The (Not So) Silent Night
A TRUE STORY
BY PD LAWRENCE
I found myself staring at a clock. Its plastic face had a crack in it; a crack that I myself had created. It was so because I had punched it, trying to get it to stop its relentless tick tock of time. Why did I punch it? I will explain…
I was living in the city of Santa Barbara, California. I had moved there right after high school, not because some of my friends had moved there but because it was the city of my dreams; dreams born by the few visits I had as I and my cousin were taken there by my Nana and Papa. We would go in the summers to visit my oldest sister. She was still living there when I made my way to its shores late in 1988.
One of the things that stood out (and still does) were the smells that fill the air for there is the essence of the wild mustard plant that emanates from the hills and permeates the city. Mix that with a splash of the ocean breeze and you get an elixir of ‘I’m home’ sense of peace. It’s known as the riviera of the Pacific, or at least it should be for it sits between the mountain and the pacific ocean like a ruby shining beneath a clear blue sky.
I had been in the city for just over two years trying to scratch out a living. Though most see that city as a polished ruby, I had been experiencing it more as a rock in the raw. The rough edges of the jobs I gained and lost combined with more than a few flaws of drugs and alcohol use and abuse, made my attempt at independence difficult to say the least. Luckily for me, I had recently landed a stable job in an upscale hotel and had a roommate that had become a sort of anchor for my drifting life. (He would go on to be one of my very best friends.) It was a stability that took me two years to achieve but I guess it was in that stability that my life began to rock like never before; And that rocking pushed me to break the clock on the wall.
On Christmas Eve 1990, I found myself alone and afraid. I had been on my own for just over two years and was finally catching my breath but feeling as if my face were just above the water line of a vast ocean. However, just because the storm waves had subsided did not mean that I was still not sinking, for upon my shoulders I felt as though I was cloaked under the dark lead blanket of guilt and shame. The guilt of past mistakes coupled with the piling of shameful sins began to weigh heavy upon my soul. The passage of time had become poison to me and it dripped into my veins like thickening ink; And that clock hd felt the wrath of my hopeless plight… In the wrath, a decision was made; A decision that would change my fate forever.
What I thought had become a final choice to end everything unbeknownst to me had become a choice that would propel my life into a mysterious almost mystical adventure.
At the time, my only means of transportation was a little Yamaha Razz scooter. It was more or less duct taped together. Looking back, it had become the perfect metaphor for my loosely held together life. In my depths of hopelessness I had decided that the little scooter could, if I started from a hill for added speed, could propel me over a fence that I had previously scouted out. Below the fence, there were a series of rocks that my broken life could be dashed against like a discarded liquor bottle drained of substance. It has been said that the thought of ending ones life is fairly common in this seemingly hopeless world but a preplanned plan was taking the whole thing to another level. I had some pre-planned plans…. But thank God, He had others…
To get to the beach cliffs, I had to ride the little scooter down the main street called State Street. That, in turn, would take me past the beautiful traditional Episcopalian church where my sister had gotten married not much earlier. It was a beautiful wedding and the last time I could remember where most of my family had last gathered. Riding by at a top speed of, say 20 miles per hour, I looked fondly at the church. That was when I saw that there was a light emanating from a slightly propped open door. With the lead blanket still weighing down my suffering soul, I thought to myself… Well, maybe I could find some sense of peace before exiting this world. “Fire insurance,” I now call it. I opened the door to discover that the choir from the local Christian college, Westmont College was holding a Christmas Eve concert.
Sitting in the very back of the church and in the shadows of the pillars, I listened intently as the words of Silent Night, Holy Night filled archways and bounced off of the stained glass windows. Looking back, that song actually had become the mustard seed of new growth whose spouts would soon find the light as it broke through the stubborn soil of a life poorly chosen. In the traditional fashion and following the singing of the Christmas carols, the parade of singers were followed by the parade of alter attendees. Lastly, the priest himself filed past me and to the exiting doors. I waited until all had gone by and was the last to leave the building that night. As I was following the benediction line, I could hear the Priest repeating pleasantries. Benedictions like, Merry Christmas, God loves you and God be with you. He had said the phrase, “God be with you,” probably 20 times that night.
Why he chose to say that phrase to me, I still don’t know. What I do know for certain is that when he said those simple words, “God be with you,” God Himself, God the Holy Spirit breathed on them and they become living words! They struck me like lightening from Heaven. What had been the dying embers of a soul in torment had suddenly been hit by the breath of heaven itself and God breathed on the words and birthed a miracle in my heart.
The Bible states in the gospel of John that, “Light shines in the darkness and the darkness cannot comprehend it.” I am alive today, 33 year later, because of the Christmas miracle of divine intervention. God chose, at that moment, to step into our world. Well, let me rephrase that. God chose to enlighten my understanding of His ever present presence with us in that moment and it changed my eternity! But God was not done yet…
What had been the all consuming thought of ending my life from the cliffs overlooking the Pacific Ocean had become another question all together. That question was, “If God really is with me, and it is true that He is the Creator of all things…. Then what does one say to a being like that?” I began to grow frustrated with the question and instead of riding the scooter off of the cliff, I decided to walk on the beach to the very same spot beneath the cliffs… And the question echoed in my soul like thunder that peels on and on. “What does one say to the maker of not only the earth but also the Heavens? That which (today) the James Webb telescope is only beginning to scratch the surface of? If God made the stars, the sand that I was walking upon and even me myself, then what should be the opener?”
I suppose it was sometime past 1 am and had become Christmas Day. Exasperated, I at long last, threw up my arms and audibly yelled at the diamond blanketed night sky. “I don’t know what to say!” At the very moment, and the very reason I subtitled this as a true story, a shooting star raced across the entire circumference of the Christmas night sky. It started from behind me and shot all the way around the curvature of the earth until is disappeared beyond the horizon… He,the very maker of Heaven had given me what to say in that moment. “Happy Birthday, Lord!” I stated to a still invisible yet very present God. That was the day we traditionally celebrate the birth of our savior. Christmas! And I learned His name on that not so silent night. Emmanuel, God with us.
If you have read this, please know that you are not alone even if you are alone. The night is not so silent for you either. There is a God who speaks and a God who loves you. In fact, He loves you so much that when you (and I) were worth nothing to Him He chose to die for us. “God went for the jugular when he sent his own son. He didn’t deal with the problem as something remote and unimportant. In his Son, Jesus, he personally took on the human condition, entered the disordered mess of struggling humanity in order to set it right once and for all…”. Romans Chapter 8 verse 3-4. (Message version of the Holy Bible).
God Be With You!
Pastor Paul Lawrence
